Stop Yelling!?!?!?

She Said…








Hubby and I take real pride in the fact that we are best of friends. However, lately we've been getting into these silly little arguments. He gets annoyed with me and I get frustrated with him at the drop of a dime. This is even more peculiar, because minutes before these quips, we are joking around and seemingly fine. It literally comes from out of no where.



Generally I am a loud talker. I come from a family of yellers. I admit it. So it's very easy for me to yell a whole conversation and not know that I am doing it. In my house you have to yell to get your point across. This is not an angry yell, it more like a hear me yell. This is equally weird because when I am angry I tend not to yell at all. I think it's starting to get to hubby. After years of marriage and friendship I think he is sick of my yelling (nicely) and just over my communication skills. Also, did I mention that I am extremely opinionated? He calls it "going too hard". I call it, "saying how I feel at the time".



Needless to say I get angry when I see him becoming frustrated with me and he gets frustrated when I "go too hard". It’s become a vicious cycle that has been following us around like a bad stench. We both want it to go away but for some reason we can’t find the root of the problem.



I offered to keep my opinions to myself and speak less, a promise I knew I could not keep. In return he saved the day by reminding me that we love each other. So, since we love each other we are going to be more respectful of each others feelings and be mindful of how we communicate our thoughts. We shook on it and he gave me a little wink to seal the deal. It will all work out; I think things are finally coming up roses.

Love in the Spin Cycle

She Said....

Sometimes my husband drives me crazy. Today I am wearing a shirt he "washed". It stinks! My guess is that he left it in the washing machine for 2 or 3 days, then went back but didn’t care that it smelled like butt and put it in the dyer anyway. Today, I have tried my best to dodge close talking co-workers and leaned against the train car doors so I wouldn't offend anyone with the stench of my shirt. It's not the first time I've gone to work with stinky shirts or (ladies feel my pain) pants. I know he means well.

In the beginning of our relationship I was very attentive and I played Suzie Homemaker (SH). My apartment was always clean when he came over to visit or spend the weekend. After he moved in, I'd like to think that I kept the SH going but Suzie died a horrible death once we got married. Once we moved to New Jersey, we both drew a line in the sand as to what chores we would and would not do. He didn't do bathrooms and I hated washing dishes (we were both traumatized by our parents as children). I hated doing laundry, period. If he was paying attention, he would've noticed that I shopped a lot and barely wore the same clothes more than once. So at first we would trek to the Laundromat, once a week. Then it was more like once a month. In our new town house we have a washer and dyer in the basement. This should've been perfect for me, but I hate going down there by myself. It really freaks me out.

No matter how tired my husband is he will take a load or two down stairs while he writes a 20 page paper or is studying for grad school. Where am I??? Well most of the time I am on the couch watching TV. Sometimes I ask him, "babe do you need help?" as he struggles down the steps with both hands filled with clothes. Sometimes I even roll my eyes when the laundry comes back and a shirt that I really love is now an extra small instead of an extra large. And yes, I even give him advice on how to read labels before he starts the laundry.

But before you start calling me all sorts of names hear me out. I never said I was perfect or that I wasn't lazy. I can get my lazy on like the rest of 'em. I do take my marriage very seriously and I do not for a minute take my husband for granted. I know of two other wives who don’t do laundry either. If he was sick, I would brave those steps and do the laundry. He's cleaned the bathroom for me when I've been sick.

The men and women in our Marriage Group (more on that in a later post) know how far I've come with helping around the house. I know that I have a good man that does right by me and is very domesticated. I just don't like smelling like mildew ass at work! But I guess that's love in the spin cycle.

Make your Money Work for You

She Said....

We are in a recession people! It's on the news, at the water cooler, Obama is talking about it and your spouse is too. The country is broke. As much as I'd like to think my family is worry free each day the mail man arrives with a months worth of reality checks (no pun intended).

In our house we have little tricks that work for us and hey they may work for you. Here is some advice for the common man/woman/couple who's just trying to “make it work”.

1. Buy your produce and meat products at Costco, Sams Club or BJ's. We find that the supermarket jacks up the price of meats and produce. For example a 2lb container of turkey meat at Pathmark costs $8.99 while at Sams club a 4lb container of turkey meat cost $9.99.

2. Stock up on canned and dry goods when they are on sale. Shop Rite’s “can can” sale is one of the most popular sales of this type but other markets have similar sales. Usually a can of corn will run you $1.19 but you can catch it on sale for 5 for $4...stock up.

3. Do the majority of your shopping at Wal-Mart or my favorite place in the whole wide world, Target. We do most of our shopping at Target because they generally have better prices. Great deals on cheeses, crackers, soda, dry goods, kiddie’s snacks and even greeting cards can be found at these larger chains. After you’ve picked up the essentials you can swing by and pick up a Isaac Mizrahi pants for work off the sales rack with the money that you’ve saved.

4. My husband thanks me often for introducing him to the shopping jewels of TJ Maxx and Marshall's. Where else will he be able to pick up his Polo shirts for $29.99. That's a steal considering at Macys the exact shirt is being sold for $69.00.These are great places to shop for designer duds for the whole family. Homegoods and AJ Wright are really good for home furnishings at a great price too.

5. Give yourself a bonus while you shop for the things you need. Our Chase reward cards allows us to earn points towards qualifying purchases made with our Chase Leisure Rewards® Check Card. Also, we earn points by shopping online, over the phone, or when we pay our bills. We earn 4 points for every $1. This week we redeemed our points for gift cards :($35) BP gas , ($25) Applebee's and ($60) Target.

Happy Shopping and don't forget to bring your list.

Why?: Volume 2

He Said....

WTF? As a Dad and husband that's a constant thought in my mind. I mean why does it seem like I'm always busy? I remember asking pops when I was kid, "why don't you sit down?" and he used to say "you don't have something productive to do boy besides asking me stupid questions?" I mean it seems like you're constantly working. Then you get to work to deal with more craziness. In moments like this I reflect on what I used to do; the elements of my past and realize that loneliness was more stressful than doing 2nd grade homework or your wife telling you to do something you've already done. I'm thankful for that. There are folks out there who don't have it. I'm blessed.

"Life must be lived forward but can only be understood backward" ~~The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Why?: Volume 1

He Said....

WTF, I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about women who were chasing married men. I don't understand why women settle for nothing and then complain there aren't "good" men out there. I'm confused. Prior to my wife, I dated two women who just didn't know what they wanted. They would rather date the man that's emotional abusive than date the man who enjoys art, reading, and jazz. The man that was into them wasn't worth the effort. They would rather fix the thug. I don't what I would do if I were single. Thanks for saving my life babe.

"Life must be lived forward but can only be understood backward"

Hallelujer!

She Said....


I can’t wait to go see Tyler Perry’s new movie Madea Goes to Jail. Unlike so may others, I was not a fan (there I said it), but I am converted and crossed over to the dark side….the Madea side. I just can’t get enough of Madea (Hallelujer...LMAO).

My mother-in-law helped me appreciate Tyler Perry. Every Sunday it became our ritual to watch one of his plays while we ate dinner and our husbands watched football in the basement. I was first impressed by Daddy’s Little Girls and then Why Did I Get Married? But the movie that sealed the deal for me was The Family That Preys. I am hooked!

Okay, some of the stuff is still just not for me. For example, both House of Payne and Meet the Brown’s TV shows are both passers. Hated It! Tyler Perry’s hustle has to be respected. He is doing his thing in holly-hood and for the most part it’s a pretty accurate and uplifting representation of us. He get’s by $26.

In the News: Opportunity for Working Moms and Dads

She Said....

The Tyra Banks Show has teamed up with eLearner to offer $2 million in scholarship money for moms and dads to go back to school. Married or single the expense of going back to school weighs heavy on a family budget. Visit Project Working Mom and Dad for information. Good luck if you decide to participate.

Homework Time

She Said....

I feel like blowing my brains out! No better yet, throw myself down a flight of steps. I want to kill her (this is a figure of speech people). I want to run, hide and go cry somewhere. Its homework time in my house. Today like so many other days she forgot to bring home the assignment pad. Did I mention that this is the second assignment pad she’s “misplaced” (which really means lost)? The first one looked like she threw it out the window of a moving car on I95. It was disgusting. We were so embarrassed we finally begged the teacher for another one. She promised “not to mess this one up”. WHATEVER!

Last marking period she had all A’s; this period it’s A’s & B’s. I personally don’t think that’s acceptable but I'm just her mother. Homework in my house is a dance of yelling, crying, shaking heads in disbelief, submission and then finally a light bulb goes off because she get’s it. Finally.




We seem to get on this ride at least every other day. It’s literally an emotional roller coaster.
As I write this, she is upstairs mad as hell because I won’t give the answer to something I know she knows. I know she’d rather be down here with us listening to Chrisette Michelle and "hanging out". She has gone up and down the stairs about 10 times to fix a misspelled word or make something neater. She thinks she’s frustrated but if she comes down here one more time with the wrong answer…I am going to SCREAM!!!.

Am I my Husband's Keeper?

She Said....

From day one I knew my hubby-to-be was driven and ambitious. This explained why he would call me stressed out because of someone on his job that didn’t give the same 100% that he gives to every single thing he does. (I wish I was more like him.) This also explained the calls on Saturday morning from student and employees while we ran errands. (Those calls pissed me off).

He’s recently landed a job that was on his five year plan and we’ve been really excited about it. Actually, we prayed and prayed and prayed some more until “we” got the offer call. I mean how many people do you know that got a job in this recession? Yeah, he’s dope! This time it’s different; it’s more corporate and cut throat. He used to being the big fish in the little pond. He was the go to guy for years in the last two positions and now he has to start all over. This go round he is the minority (if you know what I mean).

I have a feeling other women get these calls too. I don’t know about other women but I think my hubby takes what I say to heart. At least I hope he does. I know sometimes I come off more mama bear than helpful (I’m constantly working on that). I don’t recall a time feeling burdened by his complaints. I actually welcome these conversations as an opportunity for me to contribute to his success.

Though I think I am helpful I constantly wonder if the advice I give is appropriate or from the wrong perspective. I wonder if I am Michelle to his Barack. I wonder if he relies too much on my thoughts. I wonder how much responsibility would I have to bear if my advice backfires? I wonder is being my husband’s go-to person a guiltless job. Am I my husband’s keeper?

Being A Man

He Said....

I have this internal battle going on, some sort of philosophical gauntlet whereas my mind is attempting to define my purpose. I don’t know how this happened, but it did and it has continued to rage war on my brain for a week or so now. I continuously think of the days before marriage and love where I paraded around with various women, practiced a life of promiscuity, and defined myself by the reaction I got on friend’s faces when I told them about my escapades. Now, as a married man, Dad, and community advocate I have a different perspective. Yet, I have friends around me who don’t share in that. Why? Why is it that I’m always different? Why is it that I when I stand on principle, I am asked to be more lenient? Am I wrong?

With my marriage I give everything I have to provide a life for my family as my father and father’s father did. As I was told on many occasions, “It’s the Hewitt way”. While I agree with it, at this age I must gain understanding of myself, right? And if that is the case, the tests and trials help to define me, right? For instance, I was blessed with a dream opportunity and once achieved I’m going through the test of a lifetime. In my former job, I was “the man”. I knew everything, everyone. I made things happen. Here, its going to take awhile, but I like the challenge. But lately, I’ve felt less than a man. Less than what I was…..so once again, what defines me?

In this day and age, I try to stand on principle. My wife thinks I could be a nicer person, but I feel that if you are not clear, people will continue to take advantage of you. I believe that once I pass, that will be my signature. I believe there are people in this world that do not operate on principle, and if not checked they will drag you down with them. In order to stop that from happening you must avoid mixed messages. This does not mean eliminating cordiality; it means simply expressing yourself in a way that defines your relationship with that individual or group of individuals. I struggled with that in many relationships in the past. I vowed several years ago that the struggle was over.

I learned this poem while I was in college that stuck with my through my college experience; even to this day:

"Test of a Man"
The Test of a man is the fight that he makes.

The Grit that he daily shows.

The way he stands upon his feet.

And takes lifes numerous bumps and blows.

A coward can smile When there's naught to fear.

A nothing his progress bars.

But it takes a man to stand and cheer.

While the other fellow stars.

It isn't the victory after all.

But the fight that a brother makes.

A man, when driven against the wall,

Still takes the blows of fate.

With his head held high.

Bleeding, bruised, and pale,

Is the man who will win fate defied.

For he isn't afraid to fail!

My goal is take my family to new heights, empower them to reach their full potential. I want to be an example. Like my father, like my father’s father. This is not a commercial for the Army, but I think its what every good man goes through each morning he wakes up and every night he goes to sleep. My family is great, my life is great, I am blessed.

Valentine's Day?

He Said.......


When I was a kid Valentine’s Day consisted of Dad running out at the last minute to the florist for flowers for mom and thrifty drugs (now Walgreens) to get some cards. He would come back through the garage to conceal his prize not knowing that his two kids and wife watched him walk up the driveway. Once we heard the garage door close I would rush to the kitchen while my mother and sister scurried to tv room to pretend as though we didn’t know he had gifts. He would whisper to me, “Come here, I need your help” which meant, “I bought some stuff to make your mama feel special”. I would always go along with it, I mean, it’s my Dad, what was I supposed to do. Upon entering the garage he would hand me a chocolate rabbit and a card and say…”I love you son, now put that down and help me carry this stuff to your mother and sister.” I appreciated the card and would follow his instructions.

As I got older and participated in my own romantic relationships, I thought that the holiday wasn’t about me it was about the girl/woman I was with and making her happy. I would get the most expensive gifts, plan evenings filled with romantic settings and googly eyes, and just hope to get some out of the deal. Most of the time, it never worked out in my favor. So I decided I wouldn’t celebrate it anymore. I would humor my father, by still coming to the house to give my mom and sister the flowers but I didn’t have to do squat for anyone else. In fact, on one occasion I dated three or four girls in the same night, happy V-day to me. J

But marriage is different. Marriage is a partnership, a union where you both fight the good fight each and everyday, just to make life better for the both of you. So why not take one day out of the year to recognize your partner for their efforts. I guess I came to that conclusion two years ago. My wife requested that I buy her flowers because she wanted to feel the feeling that other women had a work. Now, at the time V-day was for suckas so I said no. Plus, I don’t believe in asking for gifts, what kinda nonsense is that? But I digress…..

After sitting at my desk thinking about the love I share with my wife, I decided to send her those flowers just to say, “Hey, I appreciate you for who you are”. Ever since then, regardless of my past experiences on February 14th, I am thankful because without them I wouldn’t be able to appreciate my wife. She is my One love who I can share this one Life with. So as I lay in the Embassy Suites in Center City, I will give all I can to tell my wife thank you for choosing to ride this ride with me.

Ron helped me to understand that we all deserve love, we all deserve life and I love him for that. I will never forget the moments we shared, the laughs, the arguments, and knowledge that he passed onto me. He is an eternal friend, I will see you someday Ron. God bless.

Happy Valentine's Day

SHE SAID.......

As we prepare to celebrate Valentine’s Day we found out that we lost a dear friend Ron Gonzalez to a tragic plane crash. God rest his soul. My first thought was that we should cancel our plans. We are planning to head out to Philly tonight to stay in out favorite hotel the Embassy Suites (we love the beds). On Saturday we have reservations at an exclusive restaurant (that was so booked we have 4 pm reservations, I mean who eats dinner at 4 pm).

Sigh. Looking back to high school I was not one of the girls who walked around with balloons and flowers. In college, I celebrated with my then boy friend by purchasing him a pair of Air Jordan’s with my monthly allowance my parents sent me. Each year it was one bad g ift after another and my junior year was the worst. He over heard me telling my mother how depressed I was and decided he would never celebrate the day anymore. He proceeded to wall into my dorm room and threw a $20 gift I had picked out from the local Aim’s department store and stormed away leaving me feeling foolish and like a selfish _______ (fill in with a word that rhymes with witch). After that my girls and I would protest this day of “love” by wearing all black. We were mourning the poor sucker who thought they really needed a day to celebrate their love.

I don’t know if it was sheer luck or fate that I married a man who also had no interest in celebrating Valentine’s Day. We both despised the day so much we came up with our own day (one week after February 14th) and called it Appreciation Day!! Then last year as I sat at my desk (dressed in black, like the Omen) preparing to get on the train and watching the women with all the flowers and candy and God awful red, I received a surprise. Yes, my husband who knows I hate Valentine’s Day sends me roses and chocolate covered strawberries. OH THE HORROR!!! I was horrified. I would now be one of those hateful women on the train struggling to take home gifts from their significant others. I would be one of THEM. I know how this sounds…..

Fast forward to today. After a long decision last year we decided there was no reason NOT to celebrate Valentine’s Day/Appreciation Day because we are married after all. So, I booked a room in one of our favorite cities and made dinner reservations. Out of the blue, my husband calls with the news about Ron and my first thought was to cancel.

Life is so short. Life is so fragile. So often we don’t express how we feel to the one is we love. So why not celebrate Valentine’s Day when you are loving the one you are with. I have this One Life and my husband is my One (true) Love. I am about to pack a sexy teddy and one outfit (I don’t plan on being outside of the hotel room much) and head to Philly in a few hours.

Let me leave you with this quote that I saw in am email forward:

"Sing like nobody's listening, Live like it's Heaven on Earth, Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching."

Happy Valentine’s Day. One Love. One Life.